Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
