I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
