My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
