...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Small penises have feelings too.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
