I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct