My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
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So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀