my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?