What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
