TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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