Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
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Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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