you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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