I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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