You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
