i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
