bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize