so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
