At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
