Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
