What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
