mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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