I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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