Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
