Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
