I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
