I wish I could punch you in the face.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
