mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
