if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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