wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
