Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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