im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
