So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
