She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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