We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
