The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
