OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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