I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
