we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
