Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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