someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
