life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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