I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
