I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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