Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize