I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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