Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i would punch a child for taco bell
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
