I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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