Do you still have your period?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
