I just threw up on my dentist
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
