if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
