He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
