marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
