My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
