ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im six kinds of drunk right now
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
