his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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