she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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